A rough weekend.

Well let me start by saying this. The weekend wasn't all bad. Got to spend it with my best friend in Lexington Ky (An hour and a half away from home) at our State Fire School.
Friday morning me, him, his step dad and mom woke up early. Around 4Am and got ready to head out that way. Me,Him and his step dad made it to State, bright and early.  Signed in, found our class *ect*. That afternoon we played with fire in our bunker gear and it got hot  The doubt crept up on me "What if i can't handle the real heat of a fire. Maybe i'm not cut out for this"  so from day one i was unsure of how i was going to handle it, but i pushed through Friday,  Saturday...it got very hot and i gave up, I didn't do the smoke trailer or the little obstacle . I gave up but i promised the next day i'd give my 110%. The next day we played with water. The heavy hose and and little mistakes pushed me over the edge. I stripped out of my gear and didn't want to continue. I was done i told everyone "I'm not cut out for this. i give up" everyone knew i was just overwhelmed and kept saying "You're going to get back out there" and after my best friend, his family. my adult fire fighters and my Junior's all told me to get back out there. I dried my tears, grabbed my gear and got back out there. Was i perfect at the hose...Nah, Did i try though,,,yeah. I felt so proud of myself even though i gave up, i got back out there, My instructor from day one said "What you do after you fail, determines who you are". More drama happened prier to the last day that really made me want give it all up, but when everyone didn't give up on me, it was then i understood that i wasn't going give up on me either.
Then when i got home my 6 year old sister drew pictures of me as a firefighter and said "I like what you do as a firefighter Emmy". I've worked too hard for this. I've put so much energy in this and i'm not ready to give up

.

One day at a time.

Today seamed like a normal everyday thing.
Something everyone does.
I rolled out of bed, ate breakfast, brushed my teeth, took a shower, got dressed, did the dishes and helped my mom, but something happened during all this. I looked in the mirror without saying one thing about what looked awful, Didn't think about the things i want to change. Yes it happened later that day, but the point is, the first time i caught a glimpse of me today i didn't say the horrible things about myself.
This seams so petty and simple but this is something new for me. It means my consent support and trying to change things is slowly working. Eventually i want to be able to look at my face and not want to change a single thing, be able to take a complement without refusing it like its unearned money.
Today my friend was telling me how pretty I was. (We'll call him T.) Well T was saying i was beautiful and i said "No i'm really not. I don't get why you're saying this" and then he said something really amazing he said "Dude, if i had one super power it would be to let you see yourself through my eyes so you can see how i see you. Maybe then you would feel better about yourself then you do now" .  I was taken back. What if i did see what he saw? Would i really see something else? Perhaps he doesn't see the flaws i see. He doesn't see the blemishes and mistakes. Maybe i'm thinner to him because he hasn't seen me at every angle. Maybe i see something oh so different?! For him to call me beautiful and mean it...means he obviously sees something different. I see a plain, short, chubby and ugly teenager and i asked T what do you see? and T replied "A person who is beautiful, cool, nice and relatable. You just need to quit thinking you are the opposite". So after that i started thinking. Not only does T see something different about my appearance he sees my soul as something more beautiful then i see. I want to see through T's eyes. I want to through God's eyes. I want to see through anyone's eyes but mine. I'm done seeing me through my eyes. I'm done being blind to the amazing things you all see.
I'm ready to start over. I guess this is why i started this little journey. I guess that why i made one change this morning.
I know being depressed is a big reason i don't like myself, but i also know i'm bigger then my demons and even if they scare me, or belittle me i know i have friends like T to make me feel so much better and bigger.  Thanks to this support i know one day i'll be called pretty and be able to say "thanks" instead of "No!", laughing,choking on my spit because i was so caught of guard. or any other act of disbelief. I don't want to be conceded i don't want to say "I know" i don't want to post pictures that say "You wish you looked like this!"  but my goal is to post a picture with out feeling like deleting it because small things i don't like about my face.
I'm stronger then all this. The depression,anxiety,self hatred *ect*. I'm stronger. I'm going to make it where i want to be. I know i will. One day i'll be a mother who can show her kids how to love themselves. One day i can be a example to teenagers like me. One day i'll be the person i was created to be without thinking every bit of me is a mistake. 

Today is the beginning to the rest of my life...

I didn't wake up one morning and decide i was going to start loving myself. 
it took a group of encouraging people to push me to this point in my life. 
It look my parents,six sisters,three brothers,a family who took me in as their own and 7 very close friends to convince me i wasn't worthless. 
To convince me i wasn't alone.

"It's funny how your brain works sometimes...
For it to think the world is ending when it's in fact it's all just the beginning."

I wish I knew that closing doors, opened new ones, because I use to be afraid to close old doors in fear that i'd be trapped. I wish i knew that letting toxic people go that i'd find new people. People that care and want noting but the best for me. 
See these people, the people i talk about are my 7 friends. 
I'm not going to name them without their permission but these 7 friends are my world right now. They have changed me. See my old friends use to belittle me, discourage me, point out my flaws and make fun of my beliefs. 
My new friends, even though we don't all share the same views and beliefs they don't make fun, they don't tease, they are simply there for me. They encourage me to be the best firefighter i can be, they encourage me to do better in school...they encourage me to simply get out of bed and face the day with a smile. 

No i didn't wake up and decide i was going to start loving myself but thanks to my family. The family I've made. I am going to love myself. I am going to be God's beautiful daughter, simply created to be myself. Quirks and all i am beautiful. I can't see it yet. I honestly don't see what they see, but i am trying, I am trusting. I am starting my journey.

I hope that one day i'll look back at this first blog and smile and say "You made it. You see what they see". 

I'm only 15. I have plenty of life ahead of me. I have plenty more change. This isn't going to be easy, nobody said it would be; but thanks to my family and church body. I will make it. I won't give up. I will have bad days. I will have TERRIBLE days...but i will not quit. 

I don't love myself. 

That's the point of this journey. 
So i ask whoever is reading is this please don't give up on me.


Please take time to listen to this song.X Ambassadors-Unsteady